Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Does it…does it take 3 days
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)