An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan