When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.