[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.