Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.