My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
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You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
If only.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn