When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.