[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.