*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.