I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.