I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I put the h in mysterious.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.