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Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.