Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.