Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.