Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!