Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.