Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Bloody internet 😳
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.