My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
58.