Very good! 👍😂
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.