[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Kids: Stay in school.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”