I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”