Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?