The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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CRYING
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.