FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
there’s probably a fee though
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
This did not end as expected.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator