Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
It’s the weekend y’all
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to