I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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The Others (2001)
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I think this cat is broken
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no