I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.