I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.