My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*