The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?