Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
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They’re stuck in your pants?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.