Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?