Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.