Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Why font matters.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.