*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Very good news from my accountant
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.