SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I know
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒