A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
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Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*skinny dips into black hole
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”