Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
When can I start eating bats again.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Cat is stressing him out.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”