I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.