The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.