Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog