If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
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canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Where’s my employee discount too?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Children of the corn 🌽