It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
time for some seasonal decor
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.