When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Going into Monday like
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.