*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.