Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Aight bet
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?