Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5