put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
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No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.