If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.