i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
You Might Also Like
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
step 6: release the wall snake
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.